Episode 4: 10 Tips to Improve your Communication Skills

It's EPISODE 100 of the PODCAST!!!!

This week's episode is all about improving your communication skills.

Do you struggle to get your point across? Are you constantly experiencing some sort of friction with people in your life or work? Maybe you wish people would listen to you more?

I hear you!

The good news is that effective communication is a skill, it's one you can learn and once you master it, it'll change the way you interact with everyone in your life. Learning to communicate with patience and kindness has been a journey for me and in this episode I share the strategies I've implemented to vastly improve my relationships AND get my needs met in the process.

Episode highlights:

• Listening to understand, not simply to respond
• How learning to really hear what someone is saying will deepen your connection
• Being mindful of non-verbal cues and what body language reveals
• The enormous value of using "I" statements when communicating your feelings and needs
• How and why to ask open-ended questions
• The art of patience in conversations
• How to stay present in the moment when you're talking to someone
• Why being direct is important
• Reflecting back what you've heard to ensure you've understood what's been said
• The art of coherent communication

Mis-communications and missed communication comes up frequently in my client coaching sessions. We often interpret what someone has said to us through the lens of our own perceptions and world view which can cause confusion. I help my clients to communicate clearly and calmly when they are both speaking and listening.

Clear, compassionate and kind communication is a skill I love helping my clients develop and it's a game changer, so if this is something I can assist you with, please pop me an email to find out more - emma@emmaobriencoach.com

AND if you're curious about how coaching could help you improve your life in general, feel free to apply for one of five FREE 60 minute sessions I'm offering this week here

Are you fed-up of having your life ruled by stress? If what you need is more calm, better focus and improved productivity instead of constant frazzle and overwhelm, you'll love my brand new Stress Less PDF Guide.

Inside you'll find 21 practical, actionable stress reduction strategies to help you get your groove back. Buy the PDF guide here.

If you know you want more from your life or career but you're totally stuck about where to start, I invite you to book a complimentary strategy call with me here.

We'll uncover what's holding you back from the goals you want to achieve and you'll leave the call with actionable steps to get you moving in the right direction.

For the tea on me, how I work, who I coach and the packages I offer, please visit my website - www.emmaobriencoach.com

You can also connect with me on Instagram @emmaobriencoach where I share an abundance of tools, strategies and brilliant content, you might also see the occasional dog.

Check out two of my FREE online workshops:

My 7 Step Formula for Getting Unstuck

4 Ways to Stop Procrastination in its Tracks...

Transcript

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Emma O'Brien: Hi folks, a very warm welcome to season. 3. Episode, 4 of the lemons and pineapples podcast this is in fact, the 100th episode of the podcast in total, so far, which is quite exciting. Really, I wasn't sure when I started this in September 2023, that it would make it here. And here we are in today's episode. I'm going to be sharing with you 10 tips to improve your communication.

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Emma O'Brien: and these are tips that are going to help with your communication with folks who you share your home with, as well as people at work, and friends and family too. So anywhere that you

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Emma O'Brien: have to communicate with people. What I share in this episode is going to be of real value for you.

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Emma O'Brien: The 1st

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Emma O'Brien: tip that I want to share is to

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Emma O'Brien: listen, to understand what people are saying rather than to respond. So often when we're talking to people, we're literally

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Emma O'Brien: hearing what they're saying and waiting for our turn to give some input.

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Emma O'Brien: One of the ways that we connect with people really effectively is through good communication. And the one thing that happens when we really learn to listen to people, because we want to hear and absorb what they're saying rather than what we can add

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Emma O'Brien: is it makes people feel really valued and really seen. So I will challenge you to have a think of a time where you felt like somebody really appreciated you and really valued you. And my guess is, it's because you felt like they really listened to you. And they met your needs because they understood them. We can do that for each other.

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Emma O'Brien: And the great thing about this is, the more you learn to listen to what somebody else is saying, hear it, absorb it, and respond appropriately. The more people will listen to you. Back they'll they'll return the favor. When when you make people feel valued they value you more, and it will be reciprocated. It's such an important

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Emma O'Brien: form of bonding with people, and to really deepen connections. And I think this is especially important in romantic and intimate relationships with people.

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Emma O'Brien: The way you can listen is by shutting up

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Emma O'Brien: wonderful way. To listen is to just

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Emma O'Brien: be quiet and not need to fill any silences not need to fill the gaps and to just listen to what someone's saying and to give them verbal cues. So they know that you're nodding along. And you can. You can go. Yep, I hear you. Oh, I understand.

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Emma O'Brien: same as when you're on the phone with people is, you know. You'll see you'll you'll have got the gist by now, even if you're if you're listening, and especially if you're watching me. I'm quite animated when I talk.

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Emma O'Brien: and I think it's it's a it's a habit I've got into from coaching people, because often I'm coaching people online, and

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Emma O'Brien: I'm not talking.

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Emma O'Brien: So you'll see me nodding along to make sure people know that I'm listening and they're being heard.

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Emma O'Brien: The second tip for good communication is to practice empathy, and that means being able to put yourself in somebody else's shoes, as it were, and to see

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Emma O'Brien: a situation from somebody else's perspective.

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Emma O'Brien: Often we have a mismatch in communication when we have 1 point of view. Someone else has a different point of view, and neither of the parties is prepared to flex and to be able to have some understanding for each other when you can practice empathy, and you can look at a situation and think. I wonder what this person is experiencing right now.

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Emma O'Brien: and maybe it's not what I think. So how could that be for them?

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Emma O'Brien: And to show that you are demonstrating empathy with people is to acknowledge

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Emma O'Brien: how they are feeling, or how you guess they might be feeling.

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Emma O'Brien: So. If you're talking to a friend who's having a really tough time.

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Emma O'Brien: you might say things like.

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Emma O'Brien: I hear that you're really frustrated. That sounds really difficult.

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Emma O'Brien: How can I? How can I support you with that?

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Emma O'Brien: Gosh!

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Emma O'Brien: I understand. That must be really, really, really frustrating, really difficult, that's empathy and action. One thing to be mindful of, because so many of us do this

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Emma O'Brien: I have. I'm I'm guilty of it, and it's something I've sort of checking myself with. Now, as I'm I'm talking to people

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Emma O'Brien: is story matching. Often when we think we're empathising with people we'll say

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Emma O'Brien: gosh! I understand that sounds really frustrating for you. How awful!

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Emma O'Brien: I know how you feel, because I went through a situation where XY and Z. Happened, and it was really awful for me, too.

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Emma O'Brien: and it comes from a space of wanting people to make sure we understand them. But often, especially if people are having a difficult time by putting your own experience as an overlay onto theirs, it almost diminishes what they're going through, and that can be the perspective people get from it.

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Emma O'Brien: So

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Emma O'Brien: a great way to improve your communication is to catch yourself as you're about to start story matching in order to empathize, and rather than doing that, just say.

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Emma O'Brien: gosh! I hear that that's what what's happening is difficult for you.

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Emma O'Brien: How can I support you? A much better way of dealing with dealing with it. Then you can. You can story exchange when things have calmed down. But often in the moment it's not the most helpful way to show empathy for somebody.

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Emma O'Brien: The 3rd thing is to be mindful of your own body language whilst you're talking, and also to be mindful of the other person's body language. We communicate an awful lot of things with nonverbal cues.

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Emma O'Brien: and if you can start to notice when somebody is talking to you, if what they are saying is not matching what you're seeing, it's a moment to ask for some clarity.

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Emma O'Brien: You know. You could say, for instance, to somebody, somebody will tell you. They're not angry about something, but their body language tells you they're furious. It would be a moment to say you're telling me you're not angry, but it it looks like you are angry.

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Emma O'Brien: Do we need to talk more about that? What's going on for you? Can you share a bit more about your experience with me.

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Emma O'Brien: Often we're communicating and we're trying to get a need met.

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Emma O'Brien: And sometimes, if you haven't been taught to clearly communicate your needs journey I've been on.

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Emma O'Brien: and it's something, I think a lot of people struggle with

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Emma O'Brien: having someone catch that and be able to say to you. You know you're saying one thing, but it looks like another. You might be just meeting a need for them, and when someone feels that their need is being met, they're more likely to be open. They're more likely, if they are angry, to calm down and to actually share what's going on.

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Emma O'Brien: All we're ever doing when we're communicating with other people, is seeking to be understood and seeking to have our needs met and seeking to be seen in some shape or form. So if you can offer that to somebody that's really valuable, and when it comes to your own body language, just be mindful of making sure you are being present, and in the moment with somebody when you're talking, you're not looking over to one side of the room or doing something else, or looking at your phone

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Emma O'Brien: or appearing to be distracted.

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Emma O'Brien: Nothing says I have no interest in what you're saying to me, quite like.

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Emma O'Brien: you know, scanning the room and not paying attention. So just be mindful of that, and make sure you're really. You're physically very present when you're talking to people.

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Emma O'Brien: The 4th thing is to use. I statements rather than you statements. When you're communicating something.

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Emma O'Brien: This is a situation you'll often find in personal relationships and in marriages, in intimate relationships

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Emma O'Brien: is when you are communicating. How you are feeling

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Emma O'Brien: will often place the blame on the other person.

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Emma O'Brien: You make me feel like. I don't matter when you don't answer the phone when I call.

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Emma O'Brien: It's accusatory. It's throwing, throwing blame on the other person, and it's immediately going to put them onto the defensive. So they're not going to be listening to what you're saying

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Emma O'Brien: when you've given an accusatory statement. They're going to be there waiting, preparing their defense. That is not a recipe for a good and constructive communication. A much better way of phrasing that. And again, this is just practice, is to say.

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Emma O'Brien: I feel like I don't matter when I call you, and you don't answer the phone.

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Emma O'Brien: No blame attached. You're saying how you feel when the other person does a particular behaviour. You're not saying that the other person is making you feel like that. You're clearly saying your behavior

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Emma O'Brien: makes me feel a certain way. It's a subtle difference, but it's very transformative. When you are having communication with people, you can also do it with colleagues at work.

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Emma O'Brien: It's a really a good way to diffuse a potentially

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Emma O'Brien: heightened situation if you like. So

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Emma O'Brien: when X happens, I feel rather than when you do. X, you make me feel subtle. Shift. Give it a try.

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Emma O'Brien: The 5th thing is to ask open-ended questions when you want to get some more information from people. So if you've ever had a coaching session with me, you'll know. I ask a lot of questions. If you've listened to some of my podcast episodes, I ask a lot of questions, because questions and especially open-ended questions are how to elicit information from people.

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Emma O'Brien: So instead of saying to someone, is your favorite color blue when the answer is going to be yes or no.

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Emma O'Brien: you could say to them.

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Emma O'Brien: why

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Emma O'Brien: is blue your favorite color?

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Emma O'Brien: I'm curious to know

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Emma O'Brien: you're going to get a hell of a lot more information from that person by asking a why question? Because they may. They'll tell you

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Emma O'Brien: what's led to the point. That blue is their favorite color. It might be that their grandma used to wear a dress that was blue, and it was her favorite dress, and there's a real fond memory of grandma associated with that, and you'll find a lot more information out from somebody by asking questions that start with. Why, what or how

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Emma O'Brien: great Tip? Try that the next time you're talking, especially to somebody new. If you're looking to rapport, build with someone. If you're looking to get to know someone open ended questions are the way to to get behind the veil of what's happening for somebody else.

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Emma O'Brien: Number 6.

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Emma O'Brien: Be patient.

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Emma O'Brien: A chortle at this, because this has been a big lesson for for me with communication

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Emma O'Brien: is, try and resist the urge to finish other people's sentences, or preempt what they might want to be saying next.

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Emma O'Brien: I have a husband who verbally processes, and he tends to tell quite long winded stories. There'll be big pauses in them, and I'm quite a fast talker and a fast processor, so it is

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Emma O'Brien: so tempting, and I do it often. I'm trying to catch myself. I will complete what I think he's going to say

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Emma O'Brien: to try and speed the process along.

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Emma O'Brien: It isn't really a very loving way of communicating to try and rush somebody through what they're saying.

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Emma O'Brien: So if you can relate to that

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Emma O'Brien: again comes back to the 1st point. Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen.

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Emma O'Brien: however hard that might be.

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Emma O'Brien: and you can. You can breathe into it, and just practice a little bit of patience when you can hold space for somebody like that, and you allow somebody to talk in their own time.

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Emma O'Brien: You will make them feel valued and seen, and they are more likely to open up and talk to you.

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Emma O'Brien: If this is a habit of somebody, you know. Well, it might be that it's it's a conversational hiccup you can address by talking about it with an I statement and just explaining

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Emma O'Brien: that

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Emma O'Brien: when you talk, you know. Perhaps you don't need quite so much information from them. Perhaps they could be a little bit more concise for you, but asked in a constructive and kind way.

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Emma O'Brien: Number 7 is to stay present in the moment when you're talking to people. I touched a little bit on this already.

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Emma O'Brien: but try and avoid things like having a phone in your hand that you're looking at, or watching TV, or scanning a magazine or reading a book, or

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Emma O'Brien: try and avoid doing some other activity whilst somebody is talking to you.

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Emma O'Brien: The most effective way to communicate with people is to be present, to give them eye contact, and to listen

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Emma O'Brien: if it is not a convenient time, and your partner is about to launch into a important, deep discussion about something, and you can't focus and be present.

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Emma O'Brien: That is an opportunity to say.

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Emma O'Brien: I really want to hear what you have to say to me. I really want to have this discussion with you, but I'm quite distracted at the moment. I can't quite concentrate. Could we schedule this for another time?

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Emma O'Brien: That is a really good way of dealing with conversations that you might not be quite ready or prepared to have, but that another person who's important in your life does want to have with you. That is far better to reschedule it than it is to stand there answering emails and not really listening, because nothing says, I don't really care that much about you than

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Emma O'Brien: scrolling through a phone whilst you're talking, and that probably isn't your intention. But that will be how it's picked up from somebody else. And then we talked a little bit about how, when people don't feel like they're being heard or they're being dismissed, they're going to get on the defensive, and it is not conducive for a good constructive conversation.

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Emma O'Brien: Number 8. Be direct and clear in your communications, and this is especially important when you're making a request from somebody for something. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have been on coaching calls with clients, and they'll say to me.

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Emma O'Brien: My boss

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Emma O'Brien: doesn't listen to me. They don't ever do what I ask. I never get what I want.

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Emma O'Brien: and I'm really unhappy about it, and I feel like I don't matter, and it makes me really angry.

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Emma O'Brien: and I will say to said clients, how have you made the request? Tell me, tell me exactly how you've made the request, and often it'll be something like.

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Emma O'Brien: maybe you could help me get this thing done

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Emma O'Brien: soon.

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Emma O'Brien: No wonder they're being ignored. That's not a clear request for something. If you need something doing by a particular timeframe, or you need help with something specifically.

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Emma O'Brien: you have to learn to communicate.

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Emma O'Brien: I need help with this.

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Emma O'Brien: I need help with it today.

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Emma O'Brien: When can we? When can we find time to do that? Could we pop something in your calendar for today

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Emma O'Brien: being vague about requests will not get things done for you. Also, being passive, aggressive, and dropping hints about things you might like doing is not effective communication. I can remember when my daughter was still living with us, and

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Emma O'Brien: the sink would be full of dirty dishes, and she'd go in there and pop another one in there and walk out, and

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Emma O'Brien: husband died looks at each other like, why the hell does she not just wash the dishes? And it is quite a good question, and this is a question lots of people will be asking themselves, why, when the bin is full, does my partner not take it out? Surely he can see the bin is full.

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Emma O'Brien: And I said to Rosie, My daughter.

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Emma O'Brien: can you not see the sink is full of dishes? Do you think maybe you could wash them, and she said to me, and she's quite right.

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Emma O'Brien: mummy, if you would like me to do that, please just ask me

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Emma O'Brien: out of the mouth of babes, hey?

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Emma O'Brien: And it's true we spend so much time kind of waiting for someone to guess what we want, or thinking they should know

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Emma O'Brien: they should be able to mind read here, and they don't, and we get unhappy with them. And then the person who we're unhappy with is like what the hell just happened.

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Emma O'Brien: Communicate. If you want something doing, be direct and ask for it. The worst that can happen is, somebody can say No, but at least you have asked, and you're not sitting in that limbo of waiting for someone to pick up on your imaginary signals that you may or may not be putting out.

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Emma O'Brien: Number 9 is acknowledge and validate other people when they're talking to you.

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Emma O'Brien: And this is especially important. If you're talking to people who have a different point of view from you. If you're talking about a subject that you may not agree on

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Emma O'Brien: is to acknowledge somebody and

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Emma O'Brien: show appreciation for their contribution to the conversation.

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Emma O'Brien: That's a really good point.

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Emma O'Brien: I don't quite agree with it, but I could. I could. I could see where you're coming from with that.

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Emma O'Brien: It's coming back to that empathy piece.

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Emma O'Brien: We're not always going to agree with everybody. We're talking to about things. We all have differing points of view.

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Emma O'Brien: but I think

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Emma O'Brien: trying to insist that someone meets you where you're at all the time, and not being able to meet them where they're at is unhelpful.

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Emma O'Brien: So can you find some common ground in the conversation, even if that is acknowledging?

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Emma O'Brien: Yeah, that's your point of view is valid, even if you don't agree with it.

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Emma O'Brien: And number 10, which I think is a really important one here. They're all really important, aren't they?

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Emma O'Brien: Reflect

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Emma O'Brien: on what it is. You have actually heard

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Emma O'Brien: rather than what it is you think you have heard.

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Emma O'Brien: We are hearing what people are saying to us through the lens of our specific perspective, and especially when there are emotionally charged things happening, or especially when someone's talking to you about something that steps on one of your triggers, we are very likely to not really hear what's being said. But hear what we think has been said.

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Emma O'Brien: So if you find yourself in this situation, it's really important to clarify. I'll share a bit of a lighthearted example with you.

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Emma O'Brien: I went out for lunch recently with a friend, and I took my favourite brown dog along.

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Emma O'Brien: and she was very good, and she sat at the table, and of course, as people were coming past.

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Emma O'Brien: a lot of people stopped and said hello to her and started talking about their dogs as people with dogs. Do you know the phones come out, and here's a picture of my dog.

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Emma O'Brien: One gentleman came over and he admired Ziggy, and he said, She looks a little bit like my dog I've got at home, only she's a bit more stocky, and her legs aren't quite as long.

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Emma O'Brien: What?

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Emma O'Brien: For a fraction of a moment I caught myself hearing was, your dog is fat.

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Emma O'Brien: He said nothing of the sort. He wasn't alluding to her weight. He was just saying that his dog at home has a more slender build than Ziggy.

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Emma O'Brien: but what I I heard was, your dog is fat.

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Emma O'Brien: We do this

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Emma O'Brien: in important situations, and if you are not sure

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Emma O'Brien: that you have interpreted what has been said correctly, it is best to check.

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Emma O'Brien: So if if in a work situation, for example, someone says to you.

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Emma O'Brien: you know.

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Emma O'Brien: the team's going to have to put some longer hours in to get this project completed.

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Emma O'Brien: and what you hear is you're lazy.

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Emma O'Brien: It's really important to go back and clarify. So you are not operating from the lens of

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Emma O'Brien: my boss thinks I'm lazy.

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Emma O'Brien: That isn't what was said. What was said was, some longer hours need to be put in to get this project completed. So, if you are not sure, make sure you go back, and you just clarify what has been said or asked. So there isn't a misunderstanding that blows out of proportion

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Emma O'Brien: when it it shouldn't do.

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Emma O'Brien: And the final thing I'll add here with this is that the underpinning of good communication

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Emma O'Brien: is to be in a space where you are calm and internally coherent when you are talking to people, and by that I mean, your nervous system isn't activated. You are in a state of neutral. You're not triggered. You're you're not operating from a stressed or agitated state, because we are more likely to think we hear things that haven't been said when we're not in a state of calm.

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Emma O'Brien: and this is one of the tools that I teach

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Emma O'Brien: when I'm teaching heart math to people is coherent communication, and it's a really powerful tool. And it's something that has quite literally been life changing for me in my marriage and in my interpersonal relationships of being able to really get calm and listen and make space for somebody else to talk.

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Emma O'Brien: It is communicating with people is what builds relationships. It's what makes or breaks relationships. So if you're interested to hear about that, please get in touch with me, and of course I have an opportunity this week for

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Emma O'Brien: 5 people to have a free coaching session with me. So if you're interested in hearing more about Heartmath, if you would like to see what this whole coaching thing is about. This is a wonderful opportunity to

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Emma O'Brien: try my coaching on for size. So if you are keen to do that in the show notes. There is a link to apply for one of my 5 coaching sessions I have made available.

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Emma O'Brien: so you can go and fill out the form, and I will get back to you if you are successful. And of course, if you want to talk about coaching or find out more about Heartmath, you can pop me an email. The link is in the show notes, or you can pop me a DM. On Instagram. Just get in touch and we can chat there.

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Emma O'Brien: Thank you for listening

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Emma O'Brien: today. Thank you for being with me for a hundred episodes of this podcast

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Emma O'Brien: and here's to a hundred more. I will see you same time next week. Thanks for joining Bye, for now.