Lemons and Pineapples

Episode 6: Drop the Guilt! How to Stop People Pleasing

Emma O'Brien

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In this episode, I dive deep into the world of people-pleasing, exploring the behaviors, root causes, and emotional toll it takes on our well-being. If you find it hard to say "no," prioritise others' needs over your own, or fear rejection and conflict, this episode is for you. 

I share personal experiences, real-life examples and actionable strategies to help you stop people-pleasing and reclaim your boundaries.

Key Takeaways:

Signs You’re a People-Pleaser:

  • Difficulty saying "no," even when it’s inconvenient
  • Seek external validation through helping others
  • Over-apologizing unnecessarily
  • Avoiding conflict by agreeing to things you don’t believe in
  • Neglecting your own needs to prioritise others'

Root Causes of People-Pleasing:

  • Fear of rejection and conflict
  • Low self-worth and equating your value with how much you help others
  • Childhood conditioning and the need to "stay safe" by being agreeable

Why People-Pleasing is Harmful:

  • Leads to burnout, overwhelm, and resentment
  • Creates unhealthy relationships where your needs are sidelined
  • Keeps you stuck in a cycle of seeking external validation

How to Stop People-Pleasing:

  • Start small by practicing saying "no" to minor requests
  • Set clear boundaries and stick to them, even if it surprises others
  • Develop self-awareness to recognize when you’re acting out of fear or obligation
  • Learn to regulate your emotions and calm your nervous system (e.g., through heart-based emotional regulation techniques)
  • Shift your mindset: understand that true friends and healthy relationships respect your boundaries

Resources Mentioned:

HeartMath techniques for emotional regulation - I can teach you this, email me for info.

Gabor Mate's book: When the Body Says No.

Learn more about my coaching programs to help you break free from people-pleasing - you can enjoy 50% off a 4 session coaching package this week only - email me for details - emma@emmaobriencoach.com

Are you fed-up of having your life ruled by stress? If what you need is more calm, better focus and improved productivity instead of constant frazzle and overwhelm, you'll love my brand new Stress Less PDF Guide.

Inside you'll find 21 practical, actionable stress reduction strategies to help you get your groove back. Buy the PDF guide here.

If you know you want more from your life or career but you're totally stuck about where to start, I invite you to book a complimentary strategy call with me here.

We'll uncover what's holding you back from the goals you want to achieve and you'll leave the call with actionable steps to get you moving in the right direction.

For the tea on me, how I work, who I coach and the packages I offer, please visit my website - www.emmaobriencoach.com

You can also connect with me on Instagram @emmaobriencoach where I share an abundance of tools, strategies and brilliant content, you might also see the occasional dog.

Check out two of my FREE online workshops:

My 7 Step Formula for Getting Unstuck

4 Ways to Stop Procrastination in its Tracks...

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Emma O'Brien: Hi, folks. Welcome to episode 6, season, 3 of the lemons and pineapples podcast in today's episode, I'm going to be talking to you about people pleasing. I'm going to be sharing what it looks like to be a people pleaser how that might be showing up for you, why, you might be doing it. And most importantly, I'm going to share some strategies to help you stop

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Emma O'Brien: people pleasing.

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Emma O'Brien: So here are a few signs that you might be a people pleaser, you find it really hard to say no, even when what's being asked of you is a big inconvenience.

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Emma O'Brien: You use people pleasing, and often this can show up as helping people as a means to seek external validation, and you use your interactions with other people to boost your self-worth, and you use it as a means of feeling good about yourself.

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Emma O'Brien: You over apologize for not being able to please somebody or help somebody.

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Emma O'Brien: Really, when it's completely unnecessary.

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Emma O'Brien: You people please to avoid conflict. So this might look like agreeing to things you don't really believe in agreeing to things you don't have the capacity to do. But in order to avoid

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Emma O'Brien: causing conflict or the fear of potential conflict, you just go along with what's happening

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Emma O'Brien: and you prioritize other people's needs to the point of neglecting your own well-being. If any of those resonate, I'm sure there's a few of you nodding along with that.

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Emma O'Brien: It can also show up quite unconsciously.

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Emma O'Brien: So this might look like agreeing to things by default, so literally, all automatically saying, Yes, before thinking about actually, do I want to do this? Am I able to do this? Do I have capacity to do this?

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Emma O'Brien: It might also look like

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Emma O'Brien: excessively adapting to the circumstances you're in. So maybe you're in a group of people whose opinions you don't really agree with, but rather than saying, Well, here's what I think

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Emma O'Brien: you just change your opinions and adapt to to fit in, and that might be a means of avoiding judgment. It might be seeking acceptance.

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Emma O'Brien: You'll get a bit of a gist here. There's a theme with people pleasing. But a lot of it is about seeking self-worth, and a lot of it is about keeping yourself safe

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Emma O'Brien: and out of a situation where you could be rejected, or there could be some sort of conflict which people pleasers generally really don't like.

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Emma O'Brien: And the last thing you might be doing quite unconsciously with this is managing other people's emotions at the expense of your own so often. This will be something we'll do in a family dynamic.

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Emma O'Brien: If there's somebody who is a little bit difficult. Nobody challenges them. Everybody pads around them. So this could also be, you know, treading on eggshells around a partner. You want to bring something up, but they're not in a very good mood, and so you just keep yourself quiet, and you don't voice your own needs

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Emma O'Brien: so that you don't upset the other person. So really it is. You can see, when we talk about people pleasing.

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Emma O'Brien: It is a pattern of behavior that is very detrimental to your own well-being. Excuse me.

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Emma O'Brien: here are some reasons why you might be a people pleaser.

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Emma O'Brien: and you might again recognize some of these.

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Emma O'Brien: The big one is a fear of rejection.

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Emma O'Brien: We use people pleasing as a means to stay within the tribe and to stay safe, and often this stems from a belief that the only way you can be loved or accepted is, if you comply, that if you have an alternate opinion, or if you speak out, or if you say something that you're not sure how it's going to be received. If you're worried, you're going to be rejected.

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Emma O'Brien: That is a problem. So your people please.

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Emma O'Brien: This is something I have a lot of clients who come to me with, because they're in a situation that they're so frustrated with themselves for constantly agreeing to do things, but they don't see another way.

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Emma O'Brien: I had a conversation this week with a client who

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Emma O'Brien: struggles with family members asking for money on a regular basis.

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Emma O'Brien: and I said to her, if you were to say No, what's the absolute worst that can happen?

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Emma O'Brien: And she looked at me. And she said,

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Emma O'Brien: actually nothing. There's actually really no worst case scenario here.

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Emma O'Brien: So actually, I can stop doing this. And sometimes it just takes an alternate perspective. To help shed a bit of light on on the people pleasing because we can be so habituated to to doing it.

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Emma O'Brien: Low self-worth is another reason that people pleasing might be showing up for you.

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Emma O'Brien: Often we equate our value with how useful we are to other people.

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Emma O'Brien: I have a coaching client, another coaching client who is a I would call her a chronic helper.

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Emma O'Brien: Something we've been working on is her noticing when there's a situation where she might want to jump in and help

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Emma O'Brien: to actually start to have a look at A, am I needed? B. Is this my responsibility? And C. Do I have time to jump in and help. With this

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Emma O'Brien: she was prior to our kind of starting to tackle this issue. She was struggling with a lot of overwhelm because she was taking loads and loads of things on, and not saying no to people, because she wanted to be helpful, and she wanted to be liked. And we started looking at. How can

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Emma O'Brien: you develop and generate your own sense of self worth without seeking external validation? That has been a journey I have also been on. I am not a people pleaser in my personal life, but I can be a people pleaser in my work life.

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Emma O'Brien: I get a lot of my own validation from my work. It's been something I have realized. And I've noticed it's something that needs to change, because

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Emma O'Brien: anytime we are dependent on another person, or a set of circumstances to

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Emma O'Brien: align with the stars. So we feel good.

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Emma O'Brien: Our power is completely given away. You're at the mercy of external things around you. And when you can switch that up and actually start to develop your own sense of internal self worth, regardless of what happens around you. That is a big game changer.

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Emma O'Brien: many of us, myself included, have been conditioned by the way, we were brought up to be people pleasers, because, as children.

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Emma O'Brien: often people pleasing and saying yes, and going along with things, and not crying, and not making a noise and not making a fuss, was a way of keeping ourselves safe.

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Emma O'Brien: I had a an injured, not a bad childhood, but I had parents who were divorced, and in the run up to the divorce it was very stressful. I remember always feeling very stressed and on edge whenever they were together, so I kind of kept quiet, and I was a very good girl this can be might be something you recognize doing so. It is

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Emma O'Brien: a lifetime's work breaking that sort of conditioning and learning to step out of

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Emma O'Brien: kind of being quiet, to stay safe, because often we evolve into environments where it's okay to speak up.

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Emma O'Brien: And one of the things here

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Emma O'Brien: that helps you be able to speak up and speak your needs is to be able to learn to regulate your nervous system. Often our nervous systems are very dysregulated when we're in people pleasing, because we're people pleasing to keep safe, to get approval, to be liked, and the thought of not being liked is very stressful.

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Emma O'Brien: It can put you into a fight flight or freeze response. And when we're in that state it's very difficult to communicate effectively. So learning to calm that nervous system down is really powerful. So most of you will know by now. I teach heart math, and that is a really powerful set of emotional regulation tools that can be so useful if you're a people pleaser

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Emma O'Brien: people. Pleasing is about conflict avoidance, which I think taps in a little bit to what I've just shared. But if you are somebody who's very conflict, averse because you don't feel safe to communicate, or you don't feel capable of communicating, and you don't quite know how to manage if somebody has an escalated response. So if you, we're conflict averse because we're afraid of the other person getting angry often.

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Emma O'Brien: and it's anger is a lot

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Emma O'Brien: somebody else's anger is a lot to deal with, so it's no wonder that we employ strategies to try and keep everything calm and placate and keep everything.

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Emma O'Brien: Really, you know, under wraps. And again, it's learning to regulate yourself and to get into a state of understanding that somebody else's angry response belongs to them.

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Emma O'Brien: They are generating that anger. They are the ones that probably need to do a little bit of work on themselves, but it does take quite a bit of inner work to get to a state where you can feel safe

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Emma O'Brien: if someone gets angry. Obviously, I'm talking about if someone is verbally gets worked up, not is physically angry towards you. I'm not not advocating that. Oh, you just calm your nervous system down and take that beating. Absolutely not. But it's it's learning to

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Emma O'Brien: calm and regulate yourself.

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Emma O'Brien: so you can better communicate and probably avoid conflict when you know how to communicate. Well, you'll be able to catch and avoid conflict without people pleasing.

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Emma O'Brien: and I think managing other people's feelings comes into into this of wanting to keep the status quo. So this, like I've touched on might mean agreeing to things that you don't believe in doing things you don't want to do. And it's

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Emma O'Brien: starting to recognize when you're in that behavior pattern, and that requires some self awareness. You'll often be able to catch yourself beforehand. I talked about my client earlier, who is a chronic helper.

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Emma O'Brien: and it's a wonderful quality.

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Emma O'Brien: but not when it's at your own detriment, and she now checks in with herself. If there's a situation where she thinks I could jump in and help. Here

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Emma O'Brien: she checks in with herself and says, Hang on a minute before I jump in and help. Here.

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Emma O'Brien: Is it my responsibility. Do I have time? And maybe there are other people who can do this? And why would I be wanting to do this? It's a great question to start being aware of why you were doing certain behaviors. So if you're people pleasing, and you notice yourself

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Emma O'Brien: saying Yes, when you want to say no, you notice yourself agreeing to lend somebody money for the 10th time, even though you actually don't want to. Why are you doing that?

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Emma O'Brien: And often it's because we fear, if we don't, that person is going to say, Well, I don't want to be friends with you anymore, or I don't love you anymore. And

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Emma O'Brien: I think if we apply some logic which can be a bit of a challenge in emotional situations.

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Emma O'Brien: would you want to be friends with somebody who

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Emma O'Brien: the friendship is dependent on you giving them what they need all the time.

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Emma O'Brien: Of course you don't. If when you say no to somebody, they go oh, cheers bye, Felicia.

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Emma O'Brien: I would go now, hold the door open for them, and escort them out, because that is not a true friendship.

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Emma O'Brien: and more often than not, the minute you say no to somebody, especially if they're used to you people pleasing. There's going to be a little bit of pushback. But most people will say, Oh, okay, and they'll go and bug somebody else for what they want. So you are not the be all, and end all necessarily in a situation. And it is okay

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Emma O'Brien: to to not be people pleasing all the time.

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Emma O'Brien: I'm going to share a few ways that you can stop people pleasing. Now.

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Emma O'Brien: if this is an ingrained, lifelong habit for you, which it might be if you're listening and nodding along here.

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Emma O'Brien: start small. The one thing that is really powerful to help you stop people. Pleasing is learning to say no, and learning to set boundaries.

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Emma O'Brien: People pleasers generally have very, very loose, slack boundaries, and it's a case of tightening them up. And when you tighten those boundaries up, especially as I've spoken about it already, when people are used to being able to pick up the phone and say, Can you come and help me with this? And you go?

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Emma O'Brien: Yep, I'll be right there, even though you're in the middle of something really important when you drop it and go the minute you're not there for people, it is going to give them a little bit of a shock.

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Emma O'Brien: But you need to kind of stay strong with that. So start small. You don't need to set really big boundaries to start off with, because it just. You're setting yourself up to fail.

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Emma O'Brien: And be clear.

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Emma O'Brien: I would love to say to you that you don't need to justify a boundary, but

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Emma O'Brien: just saying a hard flat. No to somebody is really difficult, and it's not something we generally do

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Emma O'Brien: in our lives unless you're dealing with a bank or something for a mortgage application, and they just say, Nope.

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Emma O'Brien: they never justify it. But we're not robots. We're not machines. We're not banks.

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Emma O'Brien: So what you need to do is find the smallest thing you can start to say no to

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Emma O'Brien: and do that. So if somebody says to you.

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Emma O'Brien: I'm moving house next weekend. I know you're always available and always reliable, and you can you come and help me?

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Emma O'Brien: I need you there for 2 full days.

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Emma O'Brien: You might not be able to, or you might not want to. God forbid! You might not want to go and do it.

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Emma O'Brien: but what you could say is

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Emma O'Brien: really sorry. I can't help you. I'm not available all weekend.

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Emma O'Brien: or if you have got a little bit of a gap, you could say, do you know what I can help you for 2 h on Saturday morning.

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Emma O'Brien: Well, I can help you for 2 h on Saturday afternoon, but that's it, because I've got other stuff on. Simple as that. You don't need to justify any further along than that. So just start small.

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Emma O'Brien: I can't help you with that today, but I've got some time next week. Would that work?

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Emma O'Brien: I think, especially in a work environment, this can be quite difficult if people pile stuff on and they are used to you going? Yeah, no problem. I'm really overloaded, but bring it on, because I'll pull an all nighter

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Emma O'Brien: is to say to people, I'm sorry I can't do that here I'm at capacity.

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Emma O'Brien: Here's when I have space. Would that work for you?

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Emma O'Brien: And they can either say, Yep, okay, actually, wasn't that urgent? Or no, that doesn't. But we'll find somebody else. So it just gives you a little bit of leeway with that

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Emma O'Brien: check in with yourself before you agree to something.

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Emma O'Brien: and ask yourself, Do I really want to do this? Does saying yes to this, feel good

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Emma O'Brien: if you reflect on it, and the prospect of saying Yes to something makes you seethe with resentment.

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Emma O'Brien: No, is a better answer.

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Emma O'Brien: Gabel mate has a fabulous book.

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Emma O'Brien: It's when the body says not. Maybe it's when the body says, no, I'll pop it in the show notes off the top of my head. I can't remember the title of it, but he talks about the difference between

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Emma O'Brien: a resentful yes and a guilty no, and a no, that makes you feel slightly guilty is always preferable to a resentful yes, because guilt is easier to deal with and resentment which we tend to hang on to and hold on to, and it can be quite a pervasive feeling, whereas guilt feel guilty for a while, but

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Emma O'Brien: you know you can move on from that quicker. It's less damaging, mentally and physically, for you

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Emma O'Brien: learn to validate yourself.

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Emma O'Brien: and this means doing things that feel good for you. So make a list of all of the things that when you do them they give you a really good feeling.

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Emma O'Brien: and this might be

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Emma O'Brien: going for a run. It might be going and spending some time out in nature. It might be learning something new.

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Emma O'Brien: it might be spending time with the non people pleasing request, friends.

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Emma O'Brien: but work out what it is that makes you feel good and boosts your self-worth. Internally. I'm not talking about things where you're waiting for someone to go. Oh, you look lovely today, or you know. Thanks very much. You're amazing. I wouldn't be able to live without you.

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Emma O'Brien: We're looking for things that can internally

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Emma O'Brien: validate that can't be taken away from you and aren't dependent on other people. It's really important to regularly do things like that, and boost your self worth.

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Emma O'Brien: When you feel better about yourself, you are less likely to slip into people pleasing Habits. The 2 of them go hand in hand.

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Emma O'Brien: and this is the kind of work I do with with clients, people pleasing stems from like we said childhood conditioning, and it can stem from your belief system about the world

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Emma O'Brien: and coaching can help with dismantling belief systems and to an extent shifting your viewpoint on conditioning

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Emma O'Brien: coaching doesn't help with.

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Emma O'Brien: Well, it's not a modality for dealing with trauma. If you are a people pleaser, thanks to a history of childhood trauma, it's time to go and sit with a therapist who is trauma informed? Make sure

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Emma O'Brien: who can help you unpack and reprocess that. So it's really useful. If you're looking for external help to shift your people pleasing behaviors, of finding the right resources to be able to help you with that.

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Emma O'Brien: And the last thing really is to start, to understand and listen to your own feelings.

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Emma O'Brien: Then you can really make an informed decision as to whether you want to say yes to something, whether you want to help beat somebody with something when you know why you're doing it. If it comes from a genuine space. If I'm really want to help you. I've got capacity to, and I'm very glad to. That's great.

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Emma O'Brien: But if it comes from a space of if I feel like I don't do this, we won't be friends anymore. That's not a good space to be saying yes to something from, and that's where some there's work to be done. That's where there is some inner work to happen if you are constantly operating from a place of fear.

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Emma O'Brien: So there's a big difference between operate operating from genuine generosity, and operating from fear.

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Emma O'Brien: If you would like some help with tackling your people pleasing, and to start to have a look at why you do it, and also put some strategies in place to stop you doing it going forwards.

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Emma O'Brien: because I think that's the 2. Go hand in hand. Then please get in touch with me

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Emma O'Brien: for the next couple of days, because this episode is out on Black Friday I have a set of 4 coaching sessions available at a 50% discount. So if you'd like to know more about this, pop me an email, it's Emma at Emma O'briencoach dot com. Also, I'll pop that in the show notes, and I would love to hear from you

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Emma O'Brien: about your thoughts on people pleasing. Are you a people, pleaser? How does it show up for you. Why do you do it?

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Emma O'Brien: What do you want to shift about it? Pop me a DM. On Instagram? It's at Emma O'briencoach. Let me know. I always love to hear from folks who've listened to the podcast it's really great to connect with you all. So I hope you've enjoyed this episode, and it's given you some food for thought. I will see you same time next week.

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Emma O'Brien: bye, for now.