Episode 11: Why Therapy is Keeping You Stuck

There's undoubtedly a time and a place for therapy, used correctly, it's invaluable for healing and personal development. When it lacks direction, it's a modality that, in my opinion, does more harm than good.

Have you been seeing your therapist for years?

Are you seeing any change or are you simply paying for an expensive chat each week?

If you're questioning the validity of seeing a therapist and wondering why you're even bothering when you're not feeling much better, this episode is for you.

I delve into:

• When therapy is an essential and brilliant tool
• 6 reasons therapy isn't working for you
• How to effectively utilise therapy for healing and trauma recovery
• What makes a great therapist and what makes a terrible one
• How to know if you're dependent on your therapist
• The difference between coaching and therapy
• When coaching is more effective
• Why coaching is more effective than therapy
• How to know what help you need and when
• My own experience of healing trauma with therapy
• How I kicked my therapist into touch and finally got results

If after listening to this episode you realise that what you actually need is a coach to move you forwards rather than a therapist who keeps keeping you stuck in your own pain and discomfort, please get in touch with me.

You can email me: emma@emmaobriencoach.com or send me a DM on Instagram @emmaobriencoach to get the ball rolling.

Are you fed-up of having your life ruled by overwhelm and stress? If what you need is more calm, better focus and improved productivity instead of constant frazzle, you'll love my brand new Stress Less PDF Guide.

Inside you'll find 21 practical, actionable stress reduction strategies to help you get your groove back. Buy the PDF guide here.

If you know you want more from your life or career but you're totally stuck about where to start, I invite you to book a complimentary strategy call with me here.

We'll uncover what's holding you back from the goals you want to achieve and you'll leave the call with actionable steps to get you moving in the right direction.

For the tea on me, how I work, who I coach and the packages I offer, please visit my website - www.emmaobriencoach.com

You can also connect with me on Instagram @emmaobriencoach where I share an abundance of tools, strategies and brilliant content, you might also see the occasional dog.

Transcript

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Emma O'Brien: Hi folks. A very warm welcome to season. 3. Episode 11 of the lemons and pineapples podcast with me, Emma o'brien. In this episode I'm going to be talking to you about. Why, therapy might be keeping you stuck

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Emma O'Brien: before I dive into this. This is a topic that has been prompted by a couple of conversations I've been having of late, and one of them was when I'm chuckling, and I shouldn't be because it's not funny. One of them was with a friend, and we were talking about this exact topic.

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Emma O'Brien: and she said to me she'd had a conversation with somebody she knows who had broken up with her therapist after. Wait for it 10 years.

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Emma O'Brien: 10 years of therapy, and she's broken up with a therapist. There is something really wrong with this picture. And that is what I want to address in this podcast episode. Therapy talk. Therapy is what I'm talking about here is really, really useful. I'm not diminishing its value at all.

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Emma O'Brien: I've done talk therapy a few times. It has been a game changer for my life, but talk therapy is not designed to be a permanent fixture in your life. Talk therapy is designed to be a tool you use when you are

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Emma O'Brien: needing to get through something that has happened to you, and you need some assistance to navigate that to process the feelings that are coming up to process what has happened, so you can unpack it with some supervision in a safe space, repack it, and move on with life. That is what therapy is there for. It is not there to be a crutch in your life, and I'm going to talk a little bit more about why this happens.

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Emma O'Brien: And I think some of this is down to really irresponsible therapists. I'm just going to put that right out there and say it.

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Emma O'Brien: Coaching is also the same, so there will be coaches out there who have got clients who they have made reliant on them. Coaching also isn't a permanent fixture in your life. It shouldn't be both coaching and therapy. Serve a purpose of helping you go from where you are to where you want to be. The big difference is, therapy tends to focus on what's gone before.

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Emma O'Brien: and I kind of liken it in my mind if I think of it as a metaphor, as therapy is kind of reaching backwards and rummaging around. What's happened in your past, to try to make sense of it and to make sense of what's happened in the past that brings you to where you are right now.

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Emma O'Brien: Coaching says, Okay, things have happened to you in the past. But where are we right now? And what do we need to do to get you to where you want to be. So coaching is more forward, focused, and therapy tends to be more past focused. Both of them are really useful, and they both need to be

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Emma O'Brien: employed in the right way for the right reasons. Let's talk more about that.

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Emma O'Brien: Here's where therapy is massively, massively helpful. If you have had some sort of trauma now we've got. I hate to use jargon sorry apologies in advance. We have big t trauma, which is acute things happening to you. Somebody dies. You have a sudden job loss. You have an accident. There is something that occurs out of the blue in life. It's a horrible shock, and you need to process through that with somebody. That is where therapy is really, really helpful.

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Emma O'Brien: Coaching would come in when you've done the therapy. When you've unpacked the feelings you've processed through, and you are ready to move forward. That is, when coaching is helpful. But I think a lot of people get trapped in the therapy piece of needing to just keep talking around things. We'll come to that.

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Emma O'Brien: There's little T trauma, which is no

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Emma O'Brien: less impactful in life than a big t trauma. But it is a series of events that occur over a period of time that cause you chronic stress and erode your self-worth self-esteem, your happiness, your joy, and that also is really useful to go to therapy to talk through. So something like

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Emma O'Brien: chronic chronic stress at work that you can't get away from, and you don't quite know how to deal with. You need to just talk that through with somebody just having somebody to talk to about. It is incredibly powerful, and it can be enough just to shift you forwards

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Emma O'Brien: things like if you have a child who is ill over a period of time incredibly stressful, and that is somewhere you need to just go and offload how you are feeling and talk that through with somebody.

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Emma O'Brien: Those are little T traumas. Therapy is really useful. But

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Emma O'Brien: here's where therapy is keeping you stuck, and there are a few, a few things I'm going to run through here that maybe you can resonate with

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Emma O'Brien: being in therapy for years is, in my opinion, really unhealthy and really unhelpful.

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Emma O'Brien: and there are several reasons for that.

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Emma O'Brien: You might be in therapy for years, because there's no clear direction and no clear goal for the therapy time. You just go every week and have an expensive conversation about the same thing. And the trouble is with this when we keep talking about the same thing over and over and over again, especially if it's a negative

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Emma O'Brien: event, especially if it's got negative connotations. You get stuck in that loop of being a victim, being unhappy, feeling angry. Whatever is coming up for you if you keep talking about it with no clear direction or goal to move you past it or to accept it, let go of it and move on.

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Emma O'Brien: You. You just stay stuck there. That's why people end up in therapy for 10 years, because they're still talking about the same goddamn thing, and it makes me really angry because I think this is a. There is a responsibility on the part of a therapist to support someone in making their life better, not support them in keeping them in the same place, so they can keep taking the money each week. I know there are brilliant therapists out there, but some of them are not.

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Emma O'Brien: The second one is, you get too comfortable talking about your discomfort.

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Emma O'Brien: and there is no accountability happening

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Emma O'Brien: in those therapy sessions where the therapist says right, we've been talking about the same thing for 4 sessions. Now, what are you going to do about it?

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Emma O'Brien: That should be being what is coming up here. If somebody is stuck in a loop of talking and talking and talking and talking, I had a coaching client who chose to see me for coaching rather than therapy.

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Emma O'Brien: She was post divorce. So she'd gone through the big emotional stage of it and was seeing a therapist, I think, because she kind of thought. That was the thing she was supposed to do.

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Emma O'Brien: and she said to me, I got so angry and so agitated in one session, and then he went. Time's up, she said. I left, and I drove the wrong way home because I was so filled with rage.

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Emma O'Brien: Now that is a session with no direction. That is, somebody who has allowed their client to just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk, and there's been no resolution to it.

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Emma O'Brien: A coaching session will have a clear goal, a clear outcome, and as a coach

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Emma O'Brien: it's my responsibility to guide the client through that and make sure I don't have a client who finishes a coaching session feeling worse than they started. It's madness.

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Emma O'Brien: the 3rd one. And I think this is where the seeing the same therapist for 10 years comes in. Is you become dependent on your therapist, and this is

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Emma O'Brien: massively unethical. In my opinion, I think it's a shocker

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Emma O'Brien: if you are in the mindset of. I can't make a decision without speaking to my therapist. That therapist has created a dependence.

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Emma O'Brien: and they are not equipping you with practical life skills to be able to go and do life outside of

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Emma O'Brien: a therapy session.

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Emma O'Brien: You should not be reliant on another person

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Emma O'Brien: in order to make decisions. And in your day-to-day life.

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Emma O'Brien: if you are spending money on therapy or coaching, those sessions should be equipping you to be able to go out into the world, and to be able to cope and to be able to think.

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Emma O'Brien: here's this tool that I learned in my session. I'm going to apply this now in this situation, so I don't keep repeating the same pattern, and I don't stay stuck.

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Emma O'Brien: So

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Emma O'Brien: I think when people end up in therapy for years and years and years there's a dependency that's been created there. And it's really really unhealthy.

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Emma O'Brien: So if this is resonating, just have a little think about what's happening there, and how you are allowing yourself to be disempowered by the person you are paying to make your life better.

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Emma O'Brien: The 4th one is, you're endlessly searching to fix yourself.

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Emma O'Brien: It can be easy to get stuck in that cycle of thinking I'm broken. I'll try this. Then maybe I'll be fixed. I'll try this, and maybe I'll be fixed. And the thing with that is you end up in a loop of searching all the time.

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Emma O'Brien: and you never really change anything, because you're constantly thinking, this next thing will do it for me. And sometimes we have to just accept where we're at, except that we are all slightly, you know, battered, damaged human beings that are walking through the world.

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Emma O'Brien: and

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Emma O'Brien: that you can move from where you're at right now. You don't need to fix yourself because you're not completely broken. When I say kind of we're all a bit wounded. We've all got wounds that we're walking around with.

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Emma O'Brien: But they've shaped you to who you are today, and there will be some negative traits that come from the wounding that you carry. But there will also be some absolutely brilliant things about you that have occurred as a result of your past, and as a result of the things that have happened to you.

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Emma O'Brien: being kind of a little bit battered around the edges by life is not all bad.

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Emma O'Brien: So if you're endlessly searching for a fix, you're constantly striving all the time, and when we're striving we're never actually really able to move forwards. We're just moving in a giant circle the whole time.

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Emma O'Brien: The 5th one. You aren't given any practical tools to use. So really, therapy and coaching

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Emma O'Brien: are things that are there to make your life better and help you cope better with life and equip you if you are not being taught practical tools to deal with the problem, you went to a therapy session for

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Emma O'Brien: find somebody else to help you.

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Emma O'Brien: If a therapist is creating a dependency and they are

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Emma O'Brien: having you swirl around in your pain in every single session, and nothing ever really feels like it shifts.

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Emma O'Brien: You need to look for another service provider.

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Emma O'Brien: The 6th one is a lack of leadership from therapists when it comes to your sessions. So I experienced this.

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Emma O'Brien: My husband and I went for some couples therapy.

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Emma O'Brien: and my husband is a verbal processor. So we sat in some sessions where he just sat and talked for 45 min straight, and I watched the therapist sitting there just allowing it, and I got angrier and angrier and angrier.

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Emma O'Brien: and at the end I said to him, I might as well not have been here

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Emma O'Brien: because you're not managing anything here. We're not achieving anything. Nothing has happened. We've talked in a circle, which is the thing I hate about therapy. We've talked in a circle.

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Emma O'Brien: and it took me saying that to him, and he asked me, Well, what do you want out of the sessions? And I said, Well, I want us to have a goal for the session, and then an outcome that we're aiming for, and then we know if we've done that or not, and you can manage this situation better. And when we did that, and I took charge of it. Then it started to work much better. But if there's no clear direction for a session.

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Emma O'Brien: you're having an expensive chat every week, and that is not going to move your life forwards, so

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Emma O'Brien: I will share. I had a very positive experience with therapy. Back in 2012

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Emma O'Brien: I left an emotionally abusive relationship in February 2012, and it was a quite a big thing. I had to leave the house whilst he was at work and pack all my stuff because I was terrified of him

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Emma O'Brien: and find alternative places to live. It was a whole little saga that I'm not quite sure how I made it through. But anyway, I did.

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Emma O'Brien: and about a week after I'd finished that and moved into my new place, I was going to do a photo shoot with 2 Rottweilers, and I got attacked by the 2 Rottweilers. I ended up with 15 stitches in my face, 2 stitches in my arm and a remodeled left buttock. Let's just put it this way. If I was a Bikini model it would have ended my career.

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Emma O'Brien: and I went to go and see a therapist after that. So there's a big T trauma and a little t trauma combined, and I went to go and speak to a therapist.

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Emma O'Brien: I think I saw this guy for about 4 months.

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Emma O'Brien: and that was all I needed to do, because he very skillfully let me talk through, because sometimes we just need to talk through what's happened with somebody. We don't need a solution. We don't need a goal. We just need to process through the thing that has happened, the feelings that are coming up, and you might need 2 or 3 sessions with a therapist to just talk through what is coming up for you.

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Emma O'Brien: Maybe it's a few more than that. I like to work quickly, but

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Emma O'Brien: you don't need to be talking it through for a year

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Emma O'Brien: doesn't help you move forwards with life. What you need to be doing is processing through what's happened. And then you go. Okay, we've processed it. Now, what is the big question that should be being asked. Now, what? Where do we go from here? How do I move forwards with my life.

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Emma O'Brien: with the stitches in my face and all of the trauma that's happened. It was like a huge, shocking life event.

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Emma O'Brien: but 4 months of therapy was enough because we got it done because I used it, and the therapist used it in the way it is designed for short term

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Emma O'Brien: guidance to get through something difficult, not a lifelong reliance. So now that we've smashed therapy into the floor

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Emma O'Brien: and pulled up all its flaws, what's the alternative? Because I think what's happening in the world is people are stuck in therapy when actually, what's needed is coaching.

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Emma O'Brien: So there is a fine line between coaching and therapy.

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Emma O'Brien: Sometimes things will come up in a coaching session

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Emma O'Brien: that are things from the past.

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Emma O'Brien: Now, my role as a coach is not to delve into that with a client. I am not trauma informed.

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Emma O'Brien: I am not a therapist, and I'm not about to encourage someone to open Pandora's box.

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Emma O'Brien: If none of us can work out how to put it back in in an hour.

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Emma O'Brien: I would rather refer someone and say, Do you know what? You've obviously got a lot of stuff coming up here? Please go and talk to your therapist, or find a therapist to go and talk to about this for a few sessions, not for 10 years, and then we can move on with something else. In the meantime.

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Emma O'Brien: however, we're going to to work through that.

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Emma O'Brien: Sorry we've got dogs joining in.

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Emma O'Brien: coaching says, Okay, these things happened to you. This happened.

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Emma O'Brien: Now, what do we do? Here you are with this trauma that's occurred. What action do we need to take to move forwards? Now.

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Emma O'Brien: what do we need to do.

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Emma O'Brien: I think what's happening is a lot of people have become trapped in therapy, and they're trapped in talking and talking over and over and over what's happened in the past.

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Emma O'Brien: when what people need instead of a therapist is a coach and coaching says, Okay, these things happened.

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Emma O'Brien: What do we do now? How do we move you forwards with

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Emma O'Brien: the the trauma, with the events that have happened in your life that have shaped you up to this point in time.

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Emma O'Brien: But if we don't like where we are in this point in time, we need to change things

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Emma O'Brien: and the things that will need to change. If you do not want to keep recreating the same situations in life, if you don't want to maintain being stuck where you are, is to look at changing your behavior to look at changing your thought patterns, to look at changing the action you're taking. So maybe you need to stop taking some action, and maybe you need to start taking some different action.

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Emma O'Brien: And I think the big thing with coaching is looking at what needs to change building self-awareness, building, self-confidence.

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Emma O'Brien: skilling clients with practical tools that they can use in between sessions. That is how progress happens.

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Emma O'Brien: and that is something. I am very passionate about teaching people. I do not want to be the coach that clients are dependent on. I want to be the coach that people come to, or I am the coach that people come to

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Emma O'Brien: to

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Emma O'Brien: learn more about themselves, to, and to be better equipped, to move through life more confidently, more happily, and more skilfully. That is what it's about.

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Emma O'Brien: and we need to have a look at a bunch of things.

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Emma O'Brien: figure out what needs to change. And then my job as a coach as well is to keep you accountable to making that change happen.

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Emma O'Brien: because if you don't do things differently, nothing different happens.

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Emma O'Brien: and that is what you are paying a coach for. You're paying a coach to help you make progress in life.

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Emma O'Brien: You are not paying a coach just to talk about why, you're not making progress in life.

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Emma O'Brien: There's a big difference there.

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Emma O'Brien: So

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Emma O'Brien: I have had various conversations with some of my coaching clients about this to to get a gauge of what's happening.

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Emma O'Brien: And I just I don't think therapy is being used effectively. So if you're listening to this, and you're thinking, okay, well, I've been with a therapist for a while. What do I do instead?

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Emma O'Brien: If you are feeling like you're going for a session, and nothing is changing after that session, I would encourage you to start thinking about, maybe what you need as a coach

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Emma O'Brien: instead of a therapist, because maybe it's time to stop rummaging around and staying stuck and swirling around in the past, and it's time to figure out a way to move forwards, so that the future looks different to the past. We are always making choices every moment of every day, of how we move through life.

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Emma O'Brien: and I think a lot of us have forgotten just how powerful we are and the ability we have to create what we want in life. Most of us are really skilled at creating what we don't want.

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Emma O'Brien: And if you can create what you don't want, you can create what you do want.

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Emma O'Brien: So I would invite you. If you've listened to this. And you're thinking, this is really great. I'm quite curious about coaching. I would love to talk to you about how I can help you get out of a trap of being stuck. Maybe you've been in therapy for a long time, and it just isn't working for you anymore.

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Emma O'Brien: Let's talk about what needs to happen differently for you to be able to to go in in a new direction with life.

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Emma O'Brien: There is nothing worse than looking back on life and thinking, Well, if only I changed something 5 years ago. My life would look really different now, and you don't need to have years of coaching to do that.

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Emma O'Brien: You can have a few months of coaching to do that.

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Emma O'Brien: and it is. It is a game changer.

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Emma O'Brien: It has been game changing for the clients I work with, and it's something I'm so passionate about. Helping people

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Emma O'Brien: enjoy life.

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Emma O'Brien: move through life with ease, have better relationships. There is so much work you can do internally on yourself and say, work. It doesn't always have to. It doesn't have to be hard. It doesn't have to be unpleasant. It's a journey of self-discovery, and if you're ready to go on that

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Emma O'Brien: hit me up and let's chat. You can pop me an email. It's Emma at Emma O'briencoach dot com, or you can hop over to Instagram. I'm at Emma O'briencoach. Pop me a DM. And let's discuss. I would also love to hear from you if you've listened to this, and it's kind of piqued your interest, or maybe maybe I've touched a nerve with this. I don't know.

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Emma O'Brien: Pop me a message. Pop me a voice note. Let me know. I'm quite curious to have more conversations around this coaching versus therapy story. I'd also love to hear if you've had a really positive experience from therapy, and what made it a positive experience? Because there are brilliant therapists out there.

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Emma O'Brien: brilliant, brilliant therapists out there who are helping people. But unfortunately, there are also some not so brilliant therapists who are just helping people stay exactly where they are. And that is not okay.

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Emma O'Brien: Thank you for joining me for today what felt like a little bit of a rant. But I hope it's been helpful, and I will see you in the next episode, bye, for now.