Episode 13: How to Communicate More Effectively

Inspired by a catastrophic miscommunication with ChatGPT that reminded me of the importance of CLEARLY asking for EXACTLY what I want, this is an episode where I share how to ask for what you want and get it.

If you struggle to get your needs met despite (thinking) you've asked directly, this episode is for you.

I share:

• What clear communication isn't
• How hint dropping, hoping, waiting and avoiding might show up in your relationships
• The link between boundaries and passive aggressive behaviour
• Why written communication will often be misinterpreted
• How to clearly ask for what you want
• Why understanding your own needs is key to getting them met by others
• The value of being brave and having in-person conversations 

Make no mistakes, I have learnt the hard way about direct, concise and clear communication (divorce #1 taught me well) and as always I share my honest and frank experience so you can avoid communication pitfalls and enjoy better relationships with all the people in your life.

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If you know you want more from your life or career but you're totally stuck about where to start, I invite you to book a complimentary strategy call with me here.

We'll uncover what's holding you back from the goals you want to achieve and you'll leave the call with actionable steps to get you moving in the right direction.

For the tea on me, how I work, who I coach and the packages I offer, please visit my website - www.emmaobriencoach.com

You can also connect with me on Instagram @emmaobriencoach where I share an abundance of tools, strategies and brilliant content, you might also see the occasional dog.

Transcript

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Emma O'Brien: Greetings. People welcome to episode 13 of season, 3 of the lemons and pineapples podcast with me, Emma o'brien. Today, I'm going to talk to you about how to communicate more effectively. Now, if you've tried asking for what you want from the people around you.

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Emma O'Brien: and you've not got it, and especially if you've tried repeatedly to ask for what you want, and you've not got it.

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Emma O'Brien: My guess is, we've got a bit of a user error happening. I see this often with my coaching clients, and they'll say I've asked so and so 20 times, and they haven't done it. And I'll say, how did you ask.

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Emma O'Brien: and they'll tell me, and it will be kind of like smoke signals, or asking in hieroglyphics.

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Emma O'Brien: We can only get what we want when we directly communicate what it is that we want with other people. And I'm going to talk to you a little bit more in this episode about how to do that.

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Emma O'Brien: and about what that looks like. It's something many humans, myself included, find very difficult. This piece of learning to communicate more effectively has been a huge one for me. I used to be somebody who was completely ineffective at asking for what I wanted, and I've had to learn how to do it. So I'm going to impart some of that wisdom with you today.

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Emma O'Brien: So a caveat that's always a caveat, isn't there? Some people in life

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Emma O'Brien: are completely inept at picking up on what you want, even if you ask them directly. And sometimes you need to use glitter and crayons with them. And sometimes that doesn't work.

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Emma O'Brien: So we have to accept that sometimes there is a failure for people to receive correct information. We're not really talking about communicating with those kinds of people very irritating. Ineptitude is something I find very frustrating to deal with. So that's a conversation for another day.

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Emma O'Brien: But what I want to come back to, and what really spurred this conversation on for me was, I jumped on this really fun chat, gpt trend of getting Chat gpt to create a 3D action figurine of me.

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Emma O'Brien: I did it for one of my dogs, and it did it absolutely, brilliantly when I asked it to do it for me. Not so much chatgpt. Can't spell champagne, even though I typed it in spelt correctly. It gave me bottles of champagne in my 3D thing that was spelled completely wrong. I had champagne, I had champag something. It was just utterly ridiculous. But the most ridiculous thing

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Emma O'Brien: that happened was Chatgpt created a half dog, half Emma creature and popped it into my starter kit packet.

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Emma O'Brien: and I looked at this, and I just thought, I'm not quite sure where this went completely wrong.

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Emma O'Brien: But it was a really great reminder of how you've got to be super clear with instructions you give

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Emma O'Brien: to other people as well as to AI software. And as I tweaked the instructions I gave it, it got slightly better with its results, but it didn't listen to make me thinner, and it spelt champagne right on the 3rd attempt

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Emma O'Brien: you can go and have a look at my Instagram at Emma O'brien coach. I've shared. I shared it on there as a reel, and I also did another little reel, talking about the half dog half Emma thing I mean it killed me. It was so funny, and I looked at it and just thought. I think I have not issued the correct set of instructions here. So thanks chat Gpt for inspiring me to create this podcast about clear communication.

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Emma O'Brien: So here is what clear communication isn't dropping hints.

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Emma O'Brien: Oh, my friend has gone on holiday to Mauritus. Mauritius looks like a really great place to go on holiday

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Emma O'Brien: saying that to your partner, especially if your partner is a straight man.

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Emma O'Brien: They're not going to pick up that you want to go to Mauritius. If you want to go to Mauritius, you need to say to your partner, darling, really like to go to Mauritius on our next holiday. That is how you have to communicate. I have found that, especially with my husband.

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Emma O'Brien: Dropping hints doesn't work with men that often

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Emma O'Brien: sorry folks. If there's a man listening who picks up on hints. Just drop me a message, love, to hear from you. You can come and guest on the podcast and tell me about that. But dropping hints is not clear communication. You won't get a need met by hinting at it

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Emma O'Brien: passive, aggressive comments. If there is something you don't want to do.

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Emma O'Brien: simply decline to do it. Don't do it, and then be all like you know, sarcastic and clattering around and making a point of the fact that you have done it

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Emma O'Brien: being passive, aggressive, is. It's a horrible way of communicating with other people. It's much better to be direct which we're going to talk more about, but we we struggle with directness. I found found this the more I am aware of my own

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Emma O'Brien: communication, style, and and kind of how to pick up and improve it. The more I've become aware of of watching other people's communication styles.

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Emma O'Brien: and you won't get what you want by being sarcastic about it, and and by being passive, aggressive about it. So if that is, you learn to stop it. And if you're being passive, aggressive because of a boundary violation that you are unable to put down. It's time to learn to set your own boundaries and respect your own time and energy.

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Emma O'Brien: asking via other people. If you need something, ask the person you need it from. Don't ask someone else to ask the person, and then wonder why it doesn't happen.

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Emma O'Brien: hoping, hoping somebody is going to pick up on a hint. Maybe you've dropped, hoping someone's going to notice by the look on your face what you need doing.

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Emma O'Brien: hoping by leaving a sink full of dishes that someone's going to notice and magically wash them.

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Emma O'Brien: hoping that someone's going to empty a dustbin that's magically overflowing, and you're waiting for it to be dealt with

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Emma O'Brien: are not

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Emma O'Brien: good ways of communicating. I had a member a great example when my daughter was still living with us, and she's now 21. So this was when she was about 19,

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Emma O'Brien: and she would go and just add dishes to the sink.

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Emma O'Brien: and my husband and I would both sit and go for crying out loud. It was a little bit more stronger language we use than that. But why does she do that? Why does she just add more stuff to the sink? Why does she not look at it and and say, Oh, look! The sink's full! Maybe I'll wash up.

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Emma O'Brien: and I asked her about it, and she said, Mummy, if you want me to do the washing up, just ask me, I mean, out of the mouths of babes. But she's right. How often in life do we do stuff like where we're dropping a hint like leaving the bin overflowing? Maybe my husband will notice. Maybe he won't, and maybe it's not a slight at you that he doesn't. Men operate very differently to women. If you want the bin emptied. Ask for it to be emptied.

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Emma O'Brien: End of story. Stop winding yourself up and waiting for somebody, or hoping someone's going to notice that you want something doing.

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Emma O'Brien: waiting, same thing, waiting for someone to notice. Give that a rest, expecting someone to mind. Read.

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Emma O'Brien: I think one of the phrases I know I have uttered.

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Emma O'Brien: he should know he should know to behave better. He should know to do that, and yes, sometimes people should do better, and people do let you down. And one shouldn't have to ask for certain things in relationships. I 100% agree with that.

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Emma O'Brien: And that is the point at which you pack your stuff and you leave. If you've got someone who really is so inept at meeting a basic need that they don't get rid, start again. Go find somebody else. However.

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Emma O'Brien: sometimes people don't know what they don't know, and we often expect especially partners. We expect them to mind read.

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Emma O'Brien: and if you again, this comes down to. If you have a need for something, you have to speak up about it, if you want it to be met, and it isn't being met by that person, and they're not picking up on your smoke signals that you're

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Emma O'Brien: emitting, blaming, blaming people.

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Emma O'Brien: telling people that their behavior is the cause of your unhappiness, and then expecting them somehow to shift. It is not going to get you what you want.

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Emma O'Brien: Often we avoid the elephant in the room. There'll be something happening. I mean, as I said, what I'm sharing here is as valid at work with relationships with children as it is with intimate partnerships. Apply. Apply the nuggets here into your particular set of circumstances, but

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Emma O'Brien: avoiding talking about something and hoping it's going to go away.

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Emma O'Brien: It won't go away.

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Emma O'Brien: Elephants in rooms that are skirted round generally just get bigger. They don't magically get up and walk off.

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Emma O'Brien: So you have to learn to address a problem, notice it. And often we make problems bigger in our own minds than they actually are in reality. And the longer you leave talking about something.

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Emma O'Brien: the bigger the elephant grows, and the bigger the problem grows and the bigger we make it in our minds. So

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Emma O'Brien: it really is about learning to to speak up and address things.

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Emma O'Brien: And the last thing that I want to share here, in what what clear communication is not is sending messages or emails, rather than having a proper conversation with people.

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Emma O'Brien: You cannot pick up tone on an email or a Whatsapp or a text message. You can intonate tone, but you can't pick up tone.

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Emma O'Brien: you can. You know, you can make a lot of assumptions about it. It's really easy, I think, especially this happens in a work environment. It's really easy to communicate in writing, and then start seeing a bunch of other people in, especially if you're annoyed about something

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Emma O'Brien: rather than having a frank and direct conversation with one person. We tend to create drama, doing that. I had a coaching client a while ago, and one of the things she had had a toxic situation at work. There was a weird

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Emma O'Brien: kind of triangular, dynamic happening between her and a couple of other coworkers, and she felt like they were sort of ganging up on her a little bit, and she felt like

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Emma O'Brien: left out and ostracised. And there was lots of emails happening. And so and so is ceasing so and so. And I just said.

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Emma O'Brien: Where are their offices? Are you in different buildings? No.

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Emma O'Brien: they're in the office next door. So why don't you just get up from your desk the next time something comes in, and just go and say, Do you have 5 min to have a conversation about this nipped in the bud sorted. That is what happened.

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Emma O'Brien: And also when we have other people being passive, aggressive with us, which is, I think, you know, often what's happening with written communication like that? As soon as you

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Emma O'Brien: confront somebody

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Emma O'Brien: by having a either a face to face or picking up the telephone and having a conversation with them. You nip that in the bud.

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Emma O'Brien: We are very brave behind a keyboard, and then you'll find that when you're in a space where you can see somebody. You can read body language. You can hear tone of voice. You can actually smooth things out very, very quickly.

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Emma O'Brien: So unclear communication leads to unclear outcomes. It leads to confusion, it leads to

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Emma O'Brien: misinterpretation. It leads to jumping to conclusions, and it creates a lot of unnecessary drama within personal relationships would be saved by some direct communication. So here are some ways that you can communicate more effectively with the people in your life, and save yourself a lot of energy and drama.

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Emma O'Brien: Ask for exactly what it is you want.

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Emma O'Brien: We're also saying it would be really great if you would empty the bin once in a while.

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Emma O'Brien: The way to do it more effectively is, darling, it's bin day on Tuesday. I would really appreciate it if you could please

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Emma O'Brien: empty the bin on Monday night, pop it in the wheelie bin outside, and then on your way out to work tomorrow morning. Could you pop the bin outside, please?

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Emma O'Brien: Nobody's being rude. You're asking for exactly what you want.

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Emma O'Brien: then it avoids the passive, aggressive. It'd be really great if you emptied the bin once in a while

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Emma O'Brien: who wants to help someone out. When that is the way you're spoken to, just saying, Tell the person

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Emma O'Brien: who you need something from exactly when you want it doing, I need your help writing. This email

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Emma O'Brien: is super.

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Emma O'Brien: So the person you've asked for that

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Emma O'Brien: doesn't know when you need the help with the email. You might need it in the next 5 min. But if you don't say I need your help now, this is really urgent, or I need your help with an email, please. Could you help me later, or I need your help with this? When do you have time?

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Emma O'Brien: Leaving it open? Ended?

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Emma O'Brien: People get busy. People forget. And we we create a load of meaning about oh, so and so didn't help me when I asked them to help me with an email, but you didn't give them a deadline and ask them when. So they're not mind readers. So put a deadline on it.

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Emma O'Brien: This is a big one, and I think this is a big part of the work I do with clients

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Emma O'Brien: is to be able to understand what you need.

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Emma O'Brien: So you can clearly explain that to somebody else.

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Emma O'Brien: Often, especially in our in our intimate relationships and our close relationships.

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Emma O'Brien: we don't get what we need from the other person.

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Emma O'Brien: We feel resentful, we feel neglected, we feel angry.

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Emma O'Brien: but we can't really explain to them what it is we need them to do instead, because we haven't done the introspection to be able to understand why.

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Emma O'Brien: when my partner doesn't do this, why does it make me feel angry? What what wound is that triggering

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Emma O'Brien: when you do, when you can understand what you need from another person.

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Emma O'Brien: you can then articulate it. But if you don't understand your own needs, it's impossible to articulate them to somebody else. And as we have discussed, if you can't articulate them to somebody else, they cannot meet them for you, because they won't be able to automatically know what you need.

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Emma O'Brien: Valuable, valuable lesson. I can remember when I said to my 1st husband that I wanted a divorce

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Emma O'Brien: because he had not stepped up and helped me with my daughter, who was very small. I had essentially felt completely and utterly, emotionally neglected by him throughout the whole relationship.

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Emma O'Brien: and I remember him saying to me, but you never told me.

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Emma O'Brien: and he's absolutely right. I sat in that marriage waiting for him to wake up and notice, and suddenly step up and give me what I needed without asking him.

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Emma O'Brien: And that was a very valuable lesson for me, because I didn't tell him.

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Emma O'Brien: because I actually wasn't in touch with myself enough to be able to articulate that I don't think, and I sat with he should know

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Emma O'Brien: he should be doing it, and frankly, some things he should have done better at.

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Emma O'Brien: But we were both very young.

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Emma O'Brien: and he should have known, but he didn't.

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Emma O'Brien: so that that has sat with me for me. I've been divorced for nearly 20 years that has sat with me. You never told me. No, you're right. I didn't. So I take responsibility for my part in that.

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Emma O'Brien: Be concise

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Emma O'Brien: when you are asking for what you want from somebody. So this means sitting with what is it I need this person to do for me what's the most effective way to ask them, and then just asking for it. We don't always need to do a big explanation, but just being able to be concise helps people. If you are giving too much information, it's difficult for people to take in.

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Emma O'Brien: I'm just looking at my notes here. I've written. Be concise unless it's the feeding instructions for your dogs when you're going away, in which case give as much detail as possible, especially when one has 4 dogs and they're on medication. So

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Emma O'Brien: unless it's feeding instructions for your dogs or your children, be concise

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Emma O'Brien: when you are articulating to somebody the way you're feeling about something.

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Emma O'Brien: Or you know, there's been an interaction, and you have felt slighted by the other person's behaviour. Sometimes we want to go in with. When you do that, you make me feel

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Emma O'Brien: it's automatic response. Lots of people do it. You automatically put the other person on the back foot.

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Emma O'Brien: So it means being able to regulate yourself a little bit to get calm enough to be able to think about what's actually happened here, and what value has been violated, or you know what need has not been met.

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Emma O'Brien: It's much better if you can deliver

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Emma O'Brien: when you do. XI feel I feel hurt by

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Emma O'Brien: you're not buying me flowers on my birthday, for example.

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Emma O'Brien: rather than you. You know you're you know you're a whatever, because you don't buy me flowers. You're a failure.

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Emma O'Brien: I feel like I'm not loved. I feel like you. Don't think about me.

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Emma O'Brien: Then you give the other person the opportunity to go. Oh, shit didn't realize how important flowers were to you now I know.

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Emma O'Brien: and I didn't realize that by buying you flowers I'd meet your needs for feeling loved. You know we this is where this direct communication is so powerful, because you end up unveiling a lot about yourself to another person. That means they can step up and meet your needs better.

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Emma O'Brien: And the last thing I'm going to add in here is, speak directly to somebody, so if you can be in person with somebody when you're having what could be a challenging conversation, you know the ones that we all avoid.

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Emma O'Brien: It is much better if you can be face to face with somebody. You can see their body language which you can. You know we're all able to read that to an extent.

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Emma O'Brien: You can hear the tone of voice. You can see what's happening somatically for them, and you also have the opportunity to be able to adjust your behavior and adjust your energy accordingly when you're with somebody. So I think that is always

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Emma O'Brien: 1st prize. If you are in the attempts to resolve something, or you're trying to have a conversation that's perhaps a little bit challenging for you, and possibly the other person possibly a bit conflicty if you can be with that person. It's much easier to get it dealt with. Second prize. Pick up the telephone.

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Emma O'Brien: these are things we avoid, because I think we're so afraid of. How's the other person going to react? What's going to happen here? And actually, the irony is, if you can be brave enough to have that conversation you will dissipate any conflict or any misunderstandings, far.

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Emma O'Brien: far more quickly than you can do by writing something out, or, you know, avoiding it. Avoidance is not a good strategy. Folks

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Emma O'Brien: so clear communication really is the I sound like Chat gpt cornerstone.

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Emma O'Brien: Never ask it to do something. It'll tell me about cornerstones. But clear communication is a real pivotal piece of

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Emma O'Brien: good relationships. It is. You know, how you'll get your needs met is by clearly asking for them.

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Emma O'Brien: So test out the strategies. Try it out this week and see how you get on, especially if you've got. I'm sure you'll have a situation somewhere in your life where you're thinking there's a conversation I'm avoiding.

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Emma O'Brien: Give it a try. Try and have that conversation. Try and be calm and direct, and see if you can get stuff. Resolved.

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Emma O'Brien: Now, one of the things that we can have a problem with

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Emma O'Brien: is boundary setting which I touched on, which is why people are often passive, aggressive because they don't set boundaries, and they do things resentfully, and then behave revoltingly as a result. So

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Emma O'Brien: if

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Emma O'Brien: boundary setting is a problem for you, and if you have a procrastination problem when it comes to communicating, procrastinating on difficult conversations, I invite you

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Emma O'Brien: to get

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Emma O'Brien: out of your barbed wire boat that's sending you up the creek without a paddle and check out my brand new stop procrastinating in 7 days. Online. Course.

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Emma O'Brien: the link is in the show notes. You can also find it at Emma O'briencoach. Dot com forward. Slash! Stop, dash procrastinating! It's 27 pounds. It is a 7 module course, and I guarantee you. If you go through this course, it will change your life, because it will help you change the habitual behaviours which are keeping you stuck so you can find the link there. Thank you for joining me. I hope you've enjoyed this episode, and I will see you next time bye, for now.