S4 Episode 8: How To Stop Over-Functioning In Relationships

In this episode I’m talking about the over-functioner vs under-functioner dance (hat tip to Harriet Lerner). 

If you’re the one who remembers the dentist appointments, carries the emotional load, and secretly reloads the dishwasher after your partner… hi, it’s us. 

I share why we end up doing it, how it wrecks intimacy (and our nervous systems), and the simple moves that shift the dynamic without starting World War III.

Podcast highlights:

• Spot the pattern: Real-life signs you’re over-functioning (at home and at work).
• Why we do it: Hyper-independence, fear of disappointment, old “don’t ask” rules from childhood.
• The intimacy killer: How parent-child energy sneaks into adult relationships.
• The fix in plain English: Ask clearly, allow help, tolerate imperfect outcomes.
• The wobble: Handling the inevitable “change-back” reaction when you stop doing it all.
• My confession: Laundry sorting, dishwasher restacking, and why control ≠ care.

Journal prompts (save these):

1. Where do I say “it’s quicker if I do it”? What’s the cost?
2. Who am I quietly resentful of, and what have I not explicitly asked them to do?
3. What outcome am I afraid of if I stop controlling it (messy, late, not how I like)?
4. Which old rule is running the show (e.g., “Don’t need,” “Keep the peace,” “Don’t ask”)?
5. One micro-handover I’ll try this week (be specific).
6. How will I hold my boundary through the wobble? (Script one sentence you’ll use.)
7. After I let go, what actually happened vs. what I feared?

Try this this week:

• Make one clear ask: “Please book your own dentist appointment and add it to your calendar by Friday.”
• Hands off the outcome: No “helpful” rearranging or reminder texts.
• Debrief kindly: Notice the trigger, breathe, recommit to the boundary.

Work with me:

If this episode hits a nerve and you’re ready to shift the one core belief keeping you stuck in over-functioning, book a 75-minute Breakthrough Session with me HERE.

Prefer to chat first? Grab a free Connection Call and we’ll map your next step together HERE.

If you’re done playing small and ready to lead yourself — you’re in the right place.

I’m Emma O’Brien — Martha Beck trained and certified life coach, HeartMath practitioner, and shamanic healer helping high-achieving women stop second-guessing themselves and finally trust their own voice.

Through nervous system re-calibration, strategic coaching, and deep energetic work, I help you move from self-doubt to self-trust so you can create a life you actually want to be in — no external approval required.

🌀 Want to work together?

Explore the 6-week Nervous System Reset, 1:1 coaching, or Shamanic Soul Retrieval sessions here: emmaobriencoach.com

Questions or ready to chat?

DM me on Instagram @emmaobriencoach
or book a free connection call HERE.