S4-Episode 15 - Self-Worth & The Cult Of The Unavailable Man

In this week’s episode, we are diving deep into a relationship pattern so many brilliant, capable, beautiful women find themselves stuck in: the magnetic pull toward the emotionally unavailable man.

If you’ve ever chased crumbs, waited for the 2am “u up?” text, or convinced yourself that bare-minimum effort was “just his way,” this episode is going to land for you.

I unpack why this pattern is so common — and spoiler, it’s not because you’re broken. It’s because your attachment style, childhood wiring, and self-worth have been running the show from the shadows.

In This Episode We Explore:

✨ Why unavailable men feel so intoxicating when you have low self-worth

✨ The anxious–avoidant trap

✨ How childhood bonds create adult relationship choices

✨ What self-worth actually is

✨ What you tolerate when your self-worth is low

✨ How to start breaking the cycle

Practical, grounded, and spiritual tools including:

- Recognising your patterns
- Attachment style awareness
- Shamanic journey work + ancestral healing
- Family constellations
- Nervous system regulation
- Inner child re-parenting
- Learning to trust your intuition (not your anxiety)
- Getting honest about loneliness and choosing from clarity, not fear

✨ Why secure self-worth makes you magnetic

When you choose yourself — truly — your standards rise, your intuition sharpens, and you stop accepting anything that drains your energy or diminishes your value.

If You're Caught in the Cycle…

Please know this: you can break it. You deserve more. And you are not alone.

You get to choose a partner who shows up with consistency, safety, emotional maturity, and respect. You don’t have to earn love. You don’t have to soften parts of yourself to be acceptable. And you do not have to wait for someone to “finally choose you.”

When your self-worth rises, the whole landscape of dating and relationships shifts — for good.

Links & Next Steps:

📌 Listen to Episode 14 for a deeper dive into attachment styles
📌 Next week’s episode features a guest expert on anxious attachment
📌 Come say hello on Instagram: @EmmaOBrienCoach

If this episode has hit home and you recognise your own patterns in the stories I’ve shared, I’d love to support you.

We’ll talk about your self-worth, the unavailable man cycle, and what it will take for you to finally break it — so you can create the love, safety, and connection you truly deserve.

 ✨ Book a free connection call in HERE

If you’re done playing small and ready to lead yourself — you’re in the right place.

I’m Emma O’Brien — Martha Beck trained and certified life coach, HeartMath practitioner, and shamanic healer helping high-achieving women stop second-guessing themselves and finally trust their own voice.

Through nervous system re-calibration, strategic coaching, and deep energetic work, I help you move from self-doubt to self-trust so you can create a life you actually want to be in — no external approval required.

🌀 Want to work together?

Explore the 6-week Nervous System Reset, 1:1 coaching, or Shamanic Soul Retrieval sessions here: emmaobriencoach.com

Questions or ready to chat?

DM me on Instagram @emmaobriencoach
or book a free connection call HERE.

Transcript

⏱ Chapter Markers – Season 4, Episode 15

Self-Worth & The Cult of the Unavailable Man

• 00:00 – Welcome & Why We’re Talking About Unavailable Men
  Intro to the episode, why this topic matters, and Emma’s honest admission of her own history with unavailable men.
• 02:00 – The Gel Nails Guy: A Red Flag Story
  Emma shares a jaw-dropping dating story (hello nail policing and ex-obsession) and how she ignored the red flags at the time.
• 03:50 – “I’m the Common Denominator” – The Wake-Up Moment
  Realising she was the common thread in all these relationships and starting to look at her own patterns and choices.
• 04:45 – Self-Worth as the Root of Unavailable Man Patterns
  How low self-worth keeps you chasing people who are out of reach and tolerating crumbs, disrespect, and confusion.
• 05:55 – Attachment Styles 101: Why You’re Hooked on Him
  A simple breakdown of secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment – and why anxious + avoidant is such a painful dance.
• 07:35 – Childhood Bonds & Recreating What’s Familiar
  How emotionally avoidant caregivers shape our attractions, and why we keep picking what we know, not what’s good for us.
• 08:50 – Defining Self-Worth (And What It Looks Like in Real Life)
  Emma’s definition of self-worth and how it shows up in boundaries, choices, and what you will or won’t tolerate.
• 10:30 – From Crumbs to Standards: Refusing to Settle
  The shift from “please choose me” to “I choose me” – and how dating looks completely different when your self-worth rises.
• 11:45 – Signs Your Self-Worth Is Growing
  Trusting your own feelings, saying no without guilt, not shrinking to fit, and letting people leave if they can’t meet you.
• 13:50 – The Work Emma Sees in Her Coaching Clients
  How women move from overthinking, people-pleasing and hiding to being confidently themselves in life and relationships.
• 14:55 – Step One: Recognising Your Pattern
  How to spot the repeating dynamics in your relationships and start asking, “Is this actually working for me?”
• 16:00 – Shamanic Journeys, Ancestral Healing & Family Constellations
  Using shamanic and ancestral work to understand where these patterns come from and begin to heal them.
• 17:35 – Nervous System Regulation & The Anxiety vs Intuition Trap
  Why you shouldn’t text from a triggered state, how to calm your system, and the difference between anxiety and intuition.
• 19:10 – Inner Child Reparenting: Healing the Old Wounds
  How childhood wounds drive adult relationship choices, and why reparenting work is key to breaking the cycle.
• 20:15 – Getting Honest About What You Really Want
  Clarifying your relationship non-negotiables, spotting red flags early, and refusing to bend yourself around bad behaviour.
• 21:30 – Loneliness, Settling & The Cost of Ignoring Red Flags
  Naming loneliness as a driver and asking: am I choosing this person because I truly want them, or because I’m afraid to be alone?
• 22:10 – You Also Get to Choose
  The powerful reframe: you’re not just waiting to be chosen – you’re choosing too. And you deserve more than being a “bit of fun”.
• 22:40 – Final Reflections & Emma’s Own Regrets
  Emma shares what she wishes she could tell her younger self about self-worth, relationships, and wasted time.
• 23:10 – Invitation to Do the Work & Connection Call
  How coaching can support you to raise your self-worth, break the unavailable man cycle, and create the love you truly deserve – plus an invitation to book a free connection call.