S4-Episode16: How To Heal Anxious Attachment & Stop Choosing Unavailable Partners with Valerie Rubin

If you’ve ever found yourself obsessing over texts, over-giving in relationships, or feeling painfully hooked on emotionally unavailable people, this episode is going to feel like a deep exhale.

In this conversation, I’m joined by trauma-informed somatic coach and anxious attachment specialist, Valerie Rubin. We dive into what anxious attachment actually is, why it’s not a personality flaw and how healing happens at the level of the nervous system, the body, and even ancestral lines – not just in your head.

In this episode, we talk about:

• What anxious attachment really looks like in everyday life
• The 4 attachment styles (plus one often-missed one)
• Why anxious & avoidant attachment share the same core wound
• Reassurance-seeking, ‘chasing’ & “crazy” behaviour – reframed
• Why talk therapy alone often isn’t enough
• Ancestral trauma & attachment
• Somatic & nervous system tools to begin healing anxious attachment
• Breaking the pattern of chasing emotionally unavailable partners

This episode is for you if…

• You identify as anxiously attached, or you’re constantly worrying your partner will leave, cheat or “find someone better”.
• You keep ending up with emotionally unavailable, avoidant or “bad boy” types, even though you know they’re not good for you.
• You’ve tried talk therapy, mindset work and “acting differently”… and still find yourself stuck in the same cycles.
• You’re curious about somatic therapy, brainspotting, ancestral healing or shamanic work as ways to untangle old patterns.
• You’re ready to stop blaming yourself and start working with your nervous system instead of against it.

If you’re someone who is anxiously attached and keeps being pulled towards avoidant or emotionally unavailable partners, Valerie has created a free masterclass that you’re going to want to jump into.

👉 You can access Valerie’s free masterclass HERE

You can find Valerie and her work here:

• Instagram: @healwithval
• Podcast: The Anxiety Recovery Podcast with Valerie Rubin
• Website: www.valrubin.com

Thank you for listening, and as always, if this episode resonated, please share it with a friend who keeps getting hooked by emotionally unavailable partners, or leave a review so more people ca

If you’re done playing small and ready to lead yourself — you’re in the right place.

I’m Emma O’Brien — Martha Beck trained and certified life coach, HeartMath practitioner, and shamanic healer helping high-achieving women stop second-guessing themselves and finally trust their own voice.

Through nervous system re-calibration, strategic coaching, and deep energetic work, I help you move from self-doubt to self-trust so you can create a life you actually want to be in — no external approval required.

🌀 Want to work together?

Explore the 6-week Nervous System Reset, 1:1 coaching, or Shamanic Soul Retrieval sessions here: emmaobriencoach.com

Questions or ready to chat?

DM me on Instagram @emmaobriencoach
or book a free connection call HERE.

Transcript

1. 00:00 – Welcome & Why We’re Talking About Anxious Attachment
   Season 4, Episode 16 intro, recap of recent attachment/self-worth episodes, and introduction to Valerie.
2. 01:57 – What Anxious Attachment Really Looks Like
   Valerie explains anxious attachment, core beliefs (not good enough, comparison, jealousy), fear of abandonment and reassurance-seeking.
3. 03:39 – Attachment Styles 101 (Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, Disorganized)
   Quick overview of the main attachment styles, how they can shift over time, and why anxious and avoidant are so often drawn to each other.
4. 07:05 – Same Wound, Different Coping: Anxious vs Avoidant
   How anxious and avoidant attachment share the same core fear, hyper-attuning to others vs shutting down, and why none of this means you’re broken.
5. 10:03 – Valerie’s Story: Chronic Anxiety, Pain & Finding Somatic Work
   Valerie shares her journey: years of anxiety, talk therapy, physical symptoms, and how hypnotherapy and somatic therapy finally moved the needle.
6. 14:15 – Why Talking Isn’t Enough: Trauma Is Physiological
   The limits of talk therapy, how the body keeps reliving the past, and why somatic work is essential for anxious attachment and complex trauma.
7. 16:00 – Somatic Therapy, Constellations & Ancestral Healing
   Emma’s experience with Family Constellations and shamanic work, and how going to the energetic and ancestral root can bring big relief.
8. 19:06 – Brainspotting, the Holocaust & Ancestral Trauma in the Body
   Valerie’s powerful example of brainspotting, Jewish ancestry, fear of being visible, and how somatic work shifted a deep ancestral pattern.
9. 22:57 – “It’s Not All Yours”: Ancestral Baggage vs Your Own Story
   Naming what’s ancestral vs personal, why healing doesn’t have to take years, and how deeper work expands your capacity to live and love.
10. 25:24 – New Level, New Devil: Expansion, Triggers & Nervous System Capacity
    How triggers show up whenever we expand (in love or business), and why this is a sign of growth rather than failure.
11. 28:10 – First Steps to Healing Anxious Attachment: Vagus Toning & Regulation
    Valerie shares practical starting points: vagus nerve toning, why journaling isn’t enough at a 7/10 anxiety level, and using movement to discharge energy.
12. 31:40 – Numb from the Neck Down: Learning to Feel Safe in Your Body
    Reconnecting to somatic signals, what safety actually feels like, and why many anxious attachers are disconnected from their bodies.
13. 32:22 – Suppressed Emotions, Dissociation & Fawn Responses
    Valerie’s childhood context, why it wasn’t safe to emote, dissociation as protection, and working with freeze/fawn with compassion.
14. 33:59 – Patterns, Not Personality: You Are Not Broken
    Reframing anxious/avoidant behaviours as survival strategies, not character flaws, and how healing your attachment changes who you choose.
15. 35:39 – Why You’re Attracted to Unavailable Partners (Neuroception)
    Familiar chaos vs healthy love, how the nervous system scans for “safe”, and why secure partners can initially give you the ick.
16. 36:32 – Valerie’s Free Masterclass for Anxious Attachment & Unavailable Partners
    Valerie shares what’s inside her masterclass: brainspotting, EFT tapping, and rewiring your pull towards emotionally unavailable people.
17. 37:56 – Where to Find Valerie & Closing Reflections
    Valerie’s Instagram and podcast details, links in the show notes, and Emma’s closing thank you and sign-off.