S4-Episode 17: How To Stop Attracting Unavailable Partners With Dr. Ray Doktor

In this powerful and deeply honest conversation, I'm joined by clinical psychologist, relationship coach, and bestselling author Dr. Ray Doktor to explore why so many capable, self-aware women keep finding themselves drawn to emotionally unavailable men and, more importantly, how to change that pattern at the root.

Together, we unpack the hidden beliefs, childhood conditioning, attachment dynamics, and unspoken fears that keep women over-functioning, people-pleasing, and waiting for men to meet their potential rather than their reality.

This episode goes beyond surface-level dating advice and dives into the belief shifts, communication skills, and self-worth work required to create relationships rooted in mutual availability, safety, and growth.

If you’ve ever thought:

• “If I ask for what I need, he’ll leave”
• “I just need to be more understanding”
• “Why do I always attract the same kind of man?”

…this conversation will land deeply.

✨ In this episode, we explore:

• The core hidden belief that pulls powerful women toward unavailable partners
• Why over-functioning and “being the strong one” can repel emotionally available men
• The danger of falling in love with potential instead of reality
• How early family dynamics shape adult relationship patterns
• Why poor communication isn’t cruelty — it’s often immaturity and lack of modeling
• The fear many women carry: “If I speak my truth, I’ll be abandoned”
• How to tell the difference between healthy compromise and self-betrayal
• Why relationships don’t complete us — they reveal us
• What emotionally mature dating actually looks like in practice

Dr. Ray also shares the key beliefs that quietly sabotage relationships and explains why healing your inner world is the most reliable way to change who you attract.

📘 Recommended Resource

Dr. Ray’s book:

 All It Takes Is One; Drop Your One BIG Hidden Belief and Master Your Life

 A powerful blend of insight and practical exercises to help you identify and release the one belief holding you back — in love and life. Buy the book HERE.

🔗 Connect with Dr. Ray

Visit his website for workshops, coaching, and resources:
 raydoktor.com

If you’re done playing small and ready to lead yourself — you’re in the right place.

I’m Emma O’Brien — Martha Beck trained and certified life coach, HeartMath practitioner, and shamanic healer helping high-achieving women stop second-guessing themselves and finally trust their own voice.

Through nervous system re-calibration, strategic coaching, and deep energetic work, I help you move from self-doubt to self-trust so you can create a life you actually want to be in — no external approval required.

🌀 Want to work together?

Explore the 6-week Nervous System Reset, 1:1 coaching, or Shamanic Soul Retrieval sessions here: emmaobriencoach.com

Questions or ready to chat?

DM me on Instagram @emmaobriencoach
or book a free connection call HERE.

Transcript

⏱️ Episode Chapter Markers

00:00 – Welcome & episode theme
Why emotionally unavailable men are such a common pattern for capable women

01:55 – The hidden belief behind unavailable relationships
How self-reliance and emotional shutdown affect attraction

04:20 – Relationships as mirrors
Why dating reveals unfinished inner work

05:45 – Over-functioning & waiting for potential
How compassion can turn into self-abandonment

08:40 – Childhood modeling & learned roles
Why many women unconsciously become the caretaker

10:15 – Communication gaps & unspoken expectations
The cost of assuming partners “should just know”

11:25 – “If I ask for more, he’ll leave”
The abandonment fear driving silence

12:45 – Questions emotionally mature adults ask early
How to spot self-awareness (or the lack of it)

15:00 – Why people break up over behavior, not character
Separating stress responses from identity

17:00 – Accepting reality, not potential
Listening when someone tells you who they are

18:50 – Fear of being authentic
Why many women don’t feel safe to say yes or no

21:00 – Dating red flags most people miss
What maturity actually looks like in conversation

24:30 – Self-worth & knowing who you are
Why clarity within yourself changes everything

25:45 – Rebuilding self-trust and beliefs
Why relationships can’t fix what we haven’t healed

27:00 – Releasing the shame of being single
Why wholeness comes first

29:15 – What healthy relationships really require
Growth, boundaries, and mutual responsibility

32:00 – Core beliefs that sabotage love
Completion myths, trauma repetition, and projection

35:45 – Doing the work instead of changing partners
Why the pattern won’t stop until you do

36:10 – About the book & final reflections
Stripping away inherited beliefs

38:00 – Where to find Dr. Ray & closing thoughts